Insurgence in El-Aaiún: Part One

As my withered legs dragged along the beaten tracks of El-Aaiún, my mind started wandering back to how the hell I got here. In the blistering desert heat, many thoughts crossed my mind. A few of the recurring topics involved fresh water, the absence of fresh water and my inner monologue going off-the-scale in a flurry of psychotic rage.

So to help take my mind off dehydration, I attempted to recollect the events of the previous evening. But this is no easy feat when one is nursing the mother of all hangovers. Besides, nursing a hangover is seemingly impossible when one is stuck a fucking desert. But I put that issue to one side and focused on a mental list of the previous night: Read the rest of this entry »

An Announcement From The Church Of Emo

Tommy Creamcheese really spoke to uz, you know. We felt hiz pain and shit, and to honor all he did for our peoplez, we are gonna be holdin an International Downztoppin Day, to like, really show all of thoze who think that uz Emoz are juzt a bunch of weirdoz n shyt.

Downztoppin iz liek the Radionheadz video “Juzt” where the man iz on the floor and people are all liek, “WTF iz uze doin down there man? Thatz juz crazy, you know?” Itz zymbolic of our strugglez in thiz difficult world. We have to do our hairz, write our poemz and itz tuff you kno. So when we are all Downztoppin, we are saying. “Look at uz, we have valuez.” Read the rest of this entry »

World News Triad #4

Minnesota, USA — A mystery surrounding the secret identity of new top selling rap artiste, MC BichizzLuvver, has finally been cleared up, thanks to Brenda Phlegm, an 86 year old geriatric and kleptomaniac from Minnesota.

After seeing a photo-shopped buttocks on the cover of his new album, “My Penizz iz amazin”, Mrs. Phlegm claimed that she recognized the buttocks from a porn movie filmed during Fleetwood Mac’s “Rumours” tour. Read the rest of this entry »

Chick’s Co-Workers Are Bitches

Lansing, MI - In what will no doubt come as fascinating news to TCOQ’s readers, the women that menial office drone Cindy Pulanski works with are phony bitches with numerous skeletons in their closets (allegedly).

Pulanski granted an exclusive extended interview to TCOQ’s Senior Cindy’s Whims Correspondent Dan Jankowitz, who also happens to be her boyfriend of two years. Jankowitz transcribed the interview as follows: Read the rest of this entry »

Wandering Minstrel Unleashes Face Melter

Caerleon, Wales — Deep within the ancient Roman fortress of Caerleon, a monolithic rock show has began to pique the interest of local villagers and regular tourists alike.

Martin Lampeter (a.k.a “Uther Gaylord”, “Ye Olde Wandering Minstrel”) was spotted at the historic Welsh site, rocking out on his lute with songs of old.

The fifty seven year old accountant from Swansea said he planned to quit his job. Instead, he would pursue a life of happiness, dressed in gay-as-fuck costumes whilst rocking the fuck out.

In his own words, “it just happened”. Read the rest of this entry »

Doherty Doesn’t Know Shit

Hexham, England — Cynical residents of Northumberland have begun launching a tirade of anonymous protests against their most infamous of musical exports, Pete Doherty.

According to residents of Hexham, the Babyshambles singer and songwriter, “knows absolutely fuck all” on a multitude of topics, including the crippled diplomacy between Everton and Liverpool.

Doherty, best known for his work with The Libertines repeatedly injecting class a narcotics, also faces allegations of being unable to row a boat and hail a taxi cab, like normal people can. Read the rest of this entry »

Audio Review: Rofl Harris

All tracks recorded and produced by Rofl Harris and Steve “Stingray” Irwin respectively. All lyrics written by Rofl Harris unless otherwise noted.

All lyrics on “That Dirty Fucking Stingray” and “In The Bush” are written by Rofl Harris and Steve “Stingray” Irwin.

“For The Sheilas” recorded between 2006 and 2008 at Rip Snorter Studios, Brisbane.

Rofl Harris and Steve “Stringray” Irwin both appear courtesy of Crack A Fat Records, Sydney and Rip Snorter Studios, Brisbane.

© 2006-2008 Crack A Fat Records. All rights reserved. Read the rest of this entry »

TCOQ: Mongolian Paradigm Shift

Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia — A further victory was claimed on Monday night when TCOQ and its allied forces stormed the Mongolian capital of Ulaanbaatar.  After unleashing a wave of napalm strikes upon the Mongolian nation, allied general Jeff Mann went on to issue reasonable demands to Sanjaagiin Bayar.

Bayar, the current Prime Minister of Mongolia, witnessed an inebriated Jeff Man waving a cricket bat while yelling, “come on, you fackin’ slags!” Yet Bayar, not fully versed in British interrogation techniques, mistook Mann’s gesture as an offer to play cricket. Mann kindly corrected Bayar’s misunderstanding…by forcibly inserting the solid oak cricket bat into his anus. Read the rest of this entry »

TCOQ: Global Annihilation Stratagem

Regular visitors will no doubt be aware of our victory over Greenland. Yet this epic battle was just the beginning of a colossal war between us and humanity. Despite our ongoing efforts, there are still those who reject our way of life, our path of thought and also, our “emence skills”.

Over the next few weeks, we aim to bring these few remaining countries to their knees, under the might of our glorious iron fist. Language barriers mean nothing. As far as we are concerned, systematic abuse is a universal language, a physical vernacular that even primitive lifeforms can both acknowledge and understand. Read the rest of this entry »

A Cockwork Orange

A few months ago, a 17 year old gay boy wrote to me for advice regarding his sexuality. He was also concerned about his father’s homophobic views. Basically, his father told him to turn straight or leave the house. Being the sensible open-minded person that I am, I told this young man to leave town and enjoy the fruits of being young and gay.

However, his father is convinced that his son is burning eternally in the pits of Hell for his “choice” of lifestyle. Personally, I saw nothing wrong with the fact that Eminem read his eulogy, or that Claude’s gay friends danced around his casket singing, “Is this love if he’s squealing” by Whitesnake. In fact, I saw this as a very touching ending for such a short tragic life. His father disagreed! Read the rest of this entry »